You Are Your Child’s Mirror: Why Teaching Coping Skills Starts with You
As a mom, you’ve probably experienced moments when your child’s emotions feel like a tornado tearing through your house—screaming, crying, meltdowns over things that seem minor to you but feel monumental to them. It’s exhausting, overwhelming, and sometimes downright frustrating. You may find yourself thinking, Why can’t they just calm down? But before we put the focus on our children’s behavior, let’s take a step back. The hard truth? Our kids learn self-regulation by watching us.
Their Eyes Are On You: Your Child Is Watching
Children are little sponges. They soak up everything—our words, our actions, our tone, and most importantly, our emotional responses. If we show stress by yelling, impatience, or shutting down, they learn that’s the way to handle big emotions. If we show frustration by taking deep breaths, self-compassion, and emotional regulation, they learn those self-regulation strategies instead.
This can feel like an enormous responsibility, and let’s be honest—it is. But the good news? You don’t have to be perfect. In fact, embracing your imperfections and modeling how to recover from emotional dysregulation is one of the best gifts you can give your child.
Self-Regulation: What Is It, and Why Does It Matter?
Self-regulation is the ability to manage emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in a way that allows us to respond rather than react. It’s the difference between snapping at your child when they spill their juice and taking a deep breath before responding with patience.
When kids develop self-regulation skills, they:
- Have better emotional resilience
- Build stronger relationships
- Experience fewer behavioral challenges
- Develop greater confidence in handling difficult situations
But here’s the catch: Kids don’t just wake up one day knowing how to self-regulate. They learn it by watching you.
What Are Coping Skills and Why Do They Matter?
Coping skills are the things you do to help manage stress, process emotions, and navigate challenges in a healthy way. I like to divide these skills into 2 different categories. In the moment coping skills and skills to promote emotional well-being.
In The Moment Coping Skills:
These skills are important for regulating your emotions when you’re upset in the moment. They may seem basic, but we want to be mindful of the neuroscience behind what is happening.
To simplify things, there are 3 parts of the brain at play:
The front part of the brain, the frontal lobe, is responsible for logic, reasoning, understanding, and executive function tasks. The frontal lobe behaves much like a scaredy cat when put under pressure. This part generally functions at the current age you are (baby, toddler, child, teen, young adult, adult).
The emotional center of the brain, the amygdala and hippocampus (the midbrain), are responsible for processing emotions and forming memories. The midbrain acts as the alarm center when big emotions come up. Think of this part as a protective dog when someone approaches your front door. This part generally functions at the age and ability of a toddler.
The survival center of the brain, the brainstem, is responsible for regulating your heart, breathing, and other functions that keep you alive. This part is primal and functions solely in survival instincts.
Sometimes, when emotions are big (think guard dog), there are reactions. When emotions get too big, the part of the brain that is responsible for logic and reasoning “goes offline” or “hides” (think scared cat). When this happens, the ability to reason with the rest of the brain is much like the functioning ability of a toddler. We have to practice coping strategies that a toddler is capable of doing for the frontal lobe (scared cat) to begin logically processing information again. Here are some suggestions:
Coping Skills for In The Moment:
- Deep breathing
- Screaming into a pillow
- Drinking a cold glass of water
- Punching a pillow
- Jumping up and down
- Running in place
- Notice details (colors, textures, shapes) around you
- Notice your 5 senses
Coping Skills To Promote Emotional Well-Being:
These skills tend to fall into the category of self-care:
- Journaling
- Exercise
- Deep breathing (yes, listed above, too!)
- Seeking support from others
- Mindfulness practices
- Walking in nature
- Reading
- Creating art
- Setting boundaries
Coping skills matter because they equip us with tools to handle difficult emotions instead of reacting impulsively or shutting down. When parents practice effective coping strategies, they not only improve their own well-being but also teach their children how to handle life’s ups and downs. Kids who see their parents using healthy coping mechanisms are more likely to develop resilience, emotional intelligence, and confidence in managing their own emotions.
The Overwhelmed Mom Dilemma: When You Feel Like You Have Nothing Left
If you’re a mom struggling with feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, and stretched thin, self-regulation might feel like another impossible task on your already overflowing to-do list. You’re not alone. Many moms feel like they’re constantly putting out fires, leaving little time to focus on their own emotions and well-being.
This is where self-compassion and small, intentional shifts come into play. You don’t need to overhaul your life overnight—you just need to start somewhere.
How to Start Modeling Self-Regulation for Your Child
Here are some practical ways to begin modeling emotional regulation for your child:
1. Name Your Feelings (Out Loud!)
Instead of bottling up your emotions or reacting impulsively, verbalize what you’re feeling in a way your child can understand:
- “I’m feeling really frustrated right now because I spilled my coffee. I’m going to take a deep breath before I clean it up.”
- “I had a stressful day at work, so I’m going to sit quietly for a few minutes to calm my mind.”
This normalizes emotions and teaches your child that feelings aren’t something to be feared—they’re something to be managed.
2. Use Calming Strategies in Real-Time
When you’re overwhelmed, model healthy ways to self-soothe:
- Take deep breaths and say, “I’m going to breathe in for four counts and out for four counts to help myself feel calmer.”
- Stretch, do a short yoga pose, or shake off stress physically and explain, “Moving my body helps me feel better.”
- Use grounding techniques, like naming five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
3. Apologize and Repair
You’re human, which means sometimes you’ll lose your temper. When this happens, don’t just brush it under the rug—model accountability:
- “I got really upset earlier and yelled. I wish I had taken a deep breath instead. I’m sorry.”
- “Mommy was feeling overwhelmed, and I didn’t handle it the way I wanted to. Next time, I’ll try to take a break before I react.”
This teaches kids that mistakes are part of being human and that they, too, can repair when they act out.
4. Prioritize Your Own Emotional Well-Being
If you’re constantly running on empty, regulating your emotions becomes nearly impossible. Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for showing up as your best self for your children.
- Carve out small moments of rest, even if it’s just five minutes of deep breathing in the car before going inside.
- Engage in activities that bring you joy—reading, painting, cooking, or even just sitting quietly with a cup of tea.
- Seek support. Whether it’s therapy, a support group, or simply venting to a trusted friend, having a space to process your emotions helps immensely.
How Brainspotting Can Help with Self-Regulation
If you’ve struggled with emotional regulation for years—perhaps due to past trauma, anxiety, or chronic stress—simply deciding to be calmer may not be enough. This is where Brainspotting can be a powerful tool.
Brainspotting is a therapeutic technique that helps identify, process, and release deep-seated emotional and physical stress. It works by locating eye positions that correlate with stored trauma and unresolved emotional experiences, allowing your brain to process and heal at a deeper level.
For moms who feel constantly overwhelmed or emotionally stuck, Brainspotting can:
- Reduce emotional reactivity and stress responses
- Help process unresolved trauma that affects your parenting
- Improve overall emotional resilience and self-regulation
When you work on your own emotional wounds, you naturally become a calmer, more present, and regulated parent. Also, as a result, your child benefits immensely.
You Are Enough (Even When You’re Not Perfect)
The next time you feel overwhelmed and wonder if you’re doing a good job as a mom, remember this: Your child doesn’t need a perfect mother. They need a present mother who is willing to learn and grow.
Every time you model emotional regulation, use a coping skill, or repair after losing your temper, you’re teaching your child that emotions are manageable, mistakes can be fixed, and self-care is important. And that? That’s powerful parenting.
So, take a deep breath, give yourself grace, and remember—you are your child’s mirror. Let them see someone who is learning, growing, and doing the best they can. That’s more than enough.
Eleena Hardzinski is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Brainspotting Therapist who practices online in North Carolina, South Carolina, and Wisconsin.
Eleena supports women struggling with motherhood, parenting, relationships, past traumas, ADHD, anxiety, and more. She helps overwhelmed moms find balance, overcome guilt, establish healthy boundaries, heal from past traumas, improve family communication, and regain confidence and joy in their lives.
