Surviving The Toddler Years: Parenting Tips For Overwhelmed Moms
Parenting Toddler Meltdowns, Terrible Twos, & Threenager Phases For Moms in North Carolina & South Carolina
If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’re feeling overwhelmed. Whether your toddler refused nap time for the third day in a row, melted down at the grocery store because you grabbed the wrong color apple, or bit another child at daycare—you’re not alone. Parenting toddlers is a journey of highs and lows, of snuggles and screaming, of love and exhaustion. There are moments when you’re the superhero who can calm every storm. And then there are days when you’re not sure how much more you can take.
And guess what? That’s perfectly normal. You’re human.
Phases of a Toddler
Your Adorable Infant Is Now a Toddler
The first year of life is a time of incredible growth and change for your little one. Around the age of 1, your baby is transitioning from infancy into toddlerhood, which brings with it major developmental leaps. At this stage, they’re likely learning to walk, developing fine motor skills, and beginning to explore the world around them with curiosity. This newfound mobility often means they’re getting into everything, which can be both exciting and exhausting for parents.
Along with physical development, their communication skills are also emerging. While they may not have many words yet, they’re rapidly absorbing language and starting to understand more of what you say. Emotionally, 1-year-olds begin to express preferences and even frustration, when things don’t go their way, which can lead to early signs of tantrums. It’s important to remember that their brains are still learning how to process and communicate these emotions. Patience and gentle guidance are key during this phase.
What Are The Terrible Twos and Why Do They Happen?
The “Terrible Twos”—a phase many parents hear about, but no one is quite prepared for until they’re living it. The Terrible Twos typically refer to a period around the second year of life when toddlers start to assert their independence, often leading to increased tantrums, defiance, and emotional outbursts. It’s a challenging phase because your toddler’s desire for autonomy is growing. However, their ability to communicate and regulate emotions hasn’t caught up yet. Their brains are developing rapidly, and they’re learning to navigate the world around them. This often results in frustration when they can’t get what they want or express how they feel, which triggers those infamous meltdowns. While the Terrible Twos can feel overwhelming, it’s a normal part of toddlerhood that reflects important developmental milestones.
What Is a “Threenager”? Why Parenting Toddlers is So Hard
If you’ve heard the term “threenager” and cringed, you’re probably in the thick of it. That magical age when your adorable toddler, who once followed you around like a duckling, suddenly develops the emotional intensity of a teenager. “No” becomes their favorite word. Meltdowns can erupt over the most insignificant things (like wanting to wear two different shoes). They’ve developed an alarming ability to test every limit you set.
It’s easy to feel like you’re doing something wrong when your little one resists nap time, throws a tantrum in public, or seems to favor one parent over the other. But here’s the thing: toddler behavior is less about you, and more about what’s going on in their rapidly developing brain.
Brain Development and the Toddler Years: A Perfect Storm
The toddler years (roughly ages 1 to 4) are some of the most critical times in brain development. While you might see their erratic behaviors as a sign of rebellion, in reality, their brain is still learning how to process emotions, regulate impulses, and handle frustration. In fact, the parts of the brain responsible for emotional regulation, like the prefrontal cortex, are still under major construction.
So, when your toddler has a meltdown because their banana broke in half, it’s not that they’re being dramatic—it’s that their brain literally doesn’t know how to cope with that level of disappointment yet. It’s not just a bad day; their ability to self-regulate is limited, and they need your help to navigate those big emotions.
Why Meltdowns Happen and How to Handle Them
As a parent, it may seem like you’re required to have the patience of a God, reflexes as fast as a cat, and the creative intelligence to outsmart your 3-year-old. Meltdowns are inevitable in the toddler years, and it can feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells to avoid triggering one. But instead of seeing them as a sign that your child is difficult or that you’re failing as a parent, try to view meltdowns as a normal part of their developmental phase.
A toddler meltdown is often a result of dysregulation—their nervous system is overwhelmed, and they don’t yet have the skills to calm themselves down.
Common Toddler Triggers
- Being overtired: Toddlers have a lot of energy, but they also need a lot of rest. If they’re not napping well or sleeping enough at night, they’ll be more prone to emotional outbursts. (See below for more on not napping).
- Frustration: Whether they’re struggling to put on their shoes or not getting their way, toddlers don’t yet have the tools to manage frustration. They may scream, cry, or throw things in an attempt to express their emotions.
- Hunger: A hungry toddler is a ticking time bomb. Their bodies need consistent fuel to keep up with all that growth and activity. A sudden drop in blood sugar can send them into a meltdown in no time.
- Overstimulation: Toddlers can get overwhelmed by too much noise, too many people, or too much activity. It’s a lot for their young brains to process, which can lead to emotional overload.
How to Handle Meltdowns:
- Stay Calm: Easier said than done, right? But toddlers feed off your energy. If you stay calm, it can help them settle down faster.
- Don’t Try To Reason Right Away: You’re never going to win if you try to reason with a dysregulated-threenager or fifty-threenager. The part of their brain that’s responsible for logic and reasoning is shut down when they’re experiencing big feelings. Save the, “You bit mommy and that really hurt”, conversation for once they’re calm.
- Validate Their Feelings: Try saying something like, “I know you’re upset because you wanted the red cup.” Validating their emotions can help them feel understood, which often helps diffuse the intensity of the meltdown.
4. Offer Comfort: Sometimes a hug or simply sitting with them can help calm their system.
5. Redirect Their Attention: After acknowledging their feelings, try shifting their focus to something else. “I see you’re upset about the cup. Let’s go read a book together.”
6. Take Breaks: If you feel like you’re reaching your own breaking point, it’s okay to step away for a minute, as long as your child is in a safe space. Regroup, take a breath, and return when you’re ready.
The Nap Time Battle: Why Toddlers Resist Rest
Another common toddler challenge is the dreaded nap time battle. As much as you know they need their rest (and let’s face it, you need that break too), they often fight it tooth and nail.
Why Do Toddlers Resist Naps Even When They’re Clearly Tired?
- FOMO (Fear of Missing Out): Toddlers are naturally curious and want to explore the world around them. Naps can feel like they’re missing out on the action.
- Independence: As toddlers grow, they start testing boundaries and asserting their independence. Refusing nap time is one way they can feel in control.
- Developmental Milestones: Major developmental leaps (like learning new words or skills) can disrupt sleep. Their brains are so busy processing new information that it can interfere with their ability to settle down for naps.
How to Handle Nap Time Resistance:
- Create a Routine: Consistency is key. Establish a calming pre-nap routine that signals to their brain it’s time to wind down (think reading a book or singing a lullaby).
- Offer Choices: Give them a sense of control by offering small choices—”Do you want to read the dinosaur book or the car book before nap?”
- Stick to a Schedule: Keeping nap times at the same time each day helps regulate their internal clock, making them more likely to rest.
- Stay Patient: It’s easy to get frustrated when they won’t sleep, but patience goes a long way. Their bodies need rest, and eventually, they’ll give in.
- If All Else Fails, Just Rest: As a parent, sometimes you have to choose your battles. Encourage quiet time, close the blinds to make the room darker, turn on some soft/calming music, and have a dim light on if you choose to read. If you role model what quiet time looks like your toddler will soon begin to copy your patterns.
Biting, Hitting, and Other Challenging Behaviors
If your toddler has taken to biting, hitting, or pushing, it can be incredibly disheartening. You might feel embarrassed, frustrated, or worried about what others will think. But these behaviors are more common than you might realize and are typically a result of your toddler trying to communicate something they don’t yet have the words for.
- Biting: This can be a way of expressing frustration, anger, or even excitement. Some toddlers also bite when they’re teething as a way to relieve discomfort.
- Hitting: Often a result of impulse control issues. When toddlers feel overwhelmed, they may lash out physically because they don’t know how else to manage those feelings.
How to Handle Aggressive Behaviors:
- Set Clear Boundaries: Calmly but firmly tell them, “No biting. Biting hurts.”
- Teach Alternatives: Help them find better ways to express their emotions. For example, if they bite because they’re frustrated, show them how to ask for help instead.
- Stay Consistent: Toddlers learn through repetition, so consistency in how you handle these behaviors is crucial.
Favoring One Parent Over the Other
It’s common for toddlers to go through phases where they favor one parent over the other. There is no rhyme or reason for your toddler’s choice. This can be tough on the “left-out” parent, but it’s usually a temporary phase that reflects your toddler’s growing need for independence and security.
- Why It Happens: Toddlers may gravitate toward the parent they spend the most time with or the one they feel meets their emotional needs at a specific moment. Or, toddlers may gravitate toward the parent who has just come home from work and offers a new, novel, or fun perspective to the moment.
- How to Handle It: Try not to take it personally. Continue to be present and engaged, and trust that this phase will pass.
Mama, You’re Human Too: Managing Your Own Overwhelm
As a mom, it’s easy to put all your focus on your child’s needs, leaving little room for your own. But if you’re constantly exhausted, stressed, and running on empty, it’s going to be that much harder to handle toddler chaos.
It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s okay to have moments where you feel like you’re at your breaking point. Parenting is hard work, and toddlers are demanding little humans. If you need help—whether it’s from a partner, family member, or a therapist—it’s important to reach out. Taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of your child.
You’re not just a mom; you’re a human being with needs and limits. It’s okay to admit that you’re exhausted, that you need a break, and that you can’t do it all perfectly. No one can.
When to Seek Help
If you’re feeling completely overwhelmed by your toddler’s behavior or struggling with your own emotional health, therapy can be an incredibly helpful tool. Working with a therapist can give you the support, tools, and strategies to manage both your child’s challenging behaviors and your own feelings of exhaustion and overwhelm.
Remember, you don’t have to do this alone.
Final Thoughts
Parenting a toddler is like riding a rollercoaster—one moment you’re on top of the world, and the next, you’re bracing for the next emotional loop. Meltdowns, nap time battles, and challenging behaviors are all part of the toddler package, but they don’t define you or your child. By understanding that these behaviors are rooted in developmental phases and brain growth, and by giving yourself permission to take breaks and seek help when needed, you can navigate these challenging years with more patience, grace, and self-compassion.
You’re doing an incredible job, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Eleena Hardzinski is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Brainspotting Therapist practicing online in North Carolina, South Carolina, and Wisconsin.
Eleena supports women struggling with motherhood, relationships, past traumas, and anxiety. She helps moms find balance, overcome guilt, establish healthy boundaries, heal from past traumas, improve family communication, and regain confidence and joy in their lives.
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