Why Stressed Moms Resent Their Husbands—And How Therapy Can Help
Stress, Fighting, Resentment, Lack Of Intimacy, Infidelity
Can We Make It Work?
When everything feels like too much, your connection with your partner can take a hit. At times, it’s common to feel disconnected, to argue more often, or even to harbor lingering resentment. As a stressed mom, you may feel as if what once felt easy and fun has now turned heavy and perhaps you’re thinking about a separation or a divorce. But there is hope. Let’s explore some challenges you might be facing, explore whether this is just a phase or something bigger, and learn gentle, manageable steps to rebuild that connection—because every little bit matters. Know that you have the strength to navigate this journey, one step at a time. You’re doing an incredible job, even when it doesn’t feel that way.
Being A Stressed Mom Can Affect Your Relationship
Being a mom is hard—harder than anyone ever prepared you for. You’re expected to keep everything going: parenting, housework, a career, friendships, and your own well-being, including sleep, self-care, adequate nutrition, physical activity, and hobbies.
It can feel overwhelming, and it’s so easy for something as vital as your relationship with your partner to slip away in the middle of the chaos. If you’re feeling stretched to your limit, know that you’re not alone, and it’s completely understandable.
Does This Sound Familiar?
Journal Entry:
November 17th
I’m so tired of feeling invisible. Every single day is the same—a whirlwind of chaos and never-ending tasks. Wake up, pack lunches, get the kids ready, drop-offs, pickups, practices, dinner, laundry, bedtime routines. Repeat. My life has become an endless cycle of giving, and I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
And then there’s him. He doesn’t see it. How could he not see it? Tonight was the breaking point. I asked him to do one simple thing—preheat the oven while I was out at tumbling with our 5-year-old. I come home, and nothing. He’s sitting on the couch, scrolling his phone like I’m not drowning.
We barely talk anymore, let alone touch. Intimacy feels like a distant memory. I don’t feel sexy, I feel like a machine—functioning to keep this household going. Is it too late for us? I don’t know. But I can’t keep going like this.
When Intimacy Fades: What If You Don’t Feel Connected Anymore?
For many moms, one of the first things to slip after becoming parents is the feeling of intimacy. Intimacy isn’t just about sex—it’s about feeling emotionally close, understood, and cared for.
Physical intimacy, emotional connection, and the mutual support you once felt may fade as you pour all your energy into parenting. You may even find that you don’t feel the urge to reconnect physically. You may be too exhausted, emotionally depleted, or simply not interested.
Maybe you feel like you’ve become co-parents or roommates rather than partners, and it can be hard to pinpoint why. Sometimes it’s not about love disappearing but about life getting in the way.
If you’re wondering what happened to the closeness you once had, know that this experience is common. The reality is, both of you are likely exhausted, and your emotional capacity is often stretched thin. There are ways to revive the connection, but it will take intention and an acknowledgment that intimacy can—and often does—require nurturing and patience.
What You Can Do:
- Create Small Moments of Connection: Start small. Send a thoughtful text, share a hug, or sit together for five minutes without screens.
- Talk About the Disconnect: Share how you’re feeling with your partner. It might feel vulnerable, but honest conversations can be a first step toward reconnecting.
- Seek Therapy: Individual therapy can help you explore your feelings, while couples therapy provides a space to work together on rebuilding intimacy.
Postpartum Challenges: Anxiety, Fear, and Depression
The postpartum period is full of changes and many moms struggle with anxiety, depression, or feeling inadequate. For some, postpartum challenges can be overwhelming, affecting self-worth and mental health. You might feel irritable, sad, or anxious, which can make it hard to find joy in your relationship or feel interested in maintaining closeness with your partner.
These feelings are real and valid, and they’re often amplified by the societal pressures to be the “perfect” mom, wife, or partner. The truth is, no one can do it all.
What You Can Do:
- Seek Help Early: Postpartum depression and anxiety are common and treatable. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist or doctor.
- Lean on Your Partner: Share how you’re feeling with your partner so they can understand and support you.
- Prioritize Self-Care: Even small acts of self-care—like a shower, a short walk, or a cup of tea—can help improve your mindset.
Communication Breakdown: What If All You Do Is Argue or Ignore Each Other?
When communication breaks down, it can feel like you’re speaking two different languages. Constant arguing or withdrawing is a sign that there’s a buildup of unspoken hurt, resentment, or frustration between you. It can feel like you’re caught in a cycle of misunderstandings or unspoken needs, leading to defensiveness and anger. When every attempt to communicate ends in arguments or is met with silence, it can make you feel even more isolated and hopeless about your relationship. Over time, this creates emotional distance, making it harder to work through challenges together.
What You Can Do:
- Set Aside a Few Minutes Daily: It may sound simple, but dedicating even five or ten minutes a day to check in with each other—without distractions—can make a world of difference.
- Pause Before Reacting: When a conversation gets heated, take a moment to breathe before responding. A short pause can prevent extreme reactions. If things are too heated communicate the time you need for a break. For example: 30 minutes, an hour, 3 hours. Then check in after that timeframe or communicate that you need more time to cool off.
- Focus on Listening Instead of Defending: Practice active listening. Instead of planning your response, focus on understanding your partner’s perspective. Show your partner that you’re truly hearing them by reflecting back what they’re saying. For example, “It sounds like you’re frustrated because I didn’t call to say I’d be late.”
- Express Appreciation Regularly: Expressing gratitude, even for the smallest things, can gradually soften the tone of your relationship and make space for more positive interactions.
- Consider Couples Therapy: A therapist can teach you both tools for healthier communication and help you work through unresolved conflicts.
Resentment: “I Resent My Husband”
Resentment is a heavy burden, and it often builds quietly over time. Maybe you’re carrying the mental load of managing the household, or you feel like your partner doesn’t appreciate what you do for the family. Perhaps you feel like they don’t step up in ways that matter to you.
Resentment doesn’t just damage your relationship—it also affects your mental health. It’s a sign that your needs aren’t being met or communicated effectively.
What You Can Do:
- Identify Your Needs: Take time to reflect on what you truly need from your partner. Is it help with chores? Emotional support? More appreciation?
- Communicate Clearly: Once you know what you need, share it with your partner in a calm, non-blaming way. Use “I” statements, like “I feel overwhelmed and could use more help with the kids in the evenings.”
- Work on Boundaries: Resentment often grows when boundaries are lacking. Make sure you’re saying no to what you can’t handle—whether it’s extra tasks at work or extended family demands.
The Sex Talk: When You Don’t Want to Have Sex
The stress of being a mom can wreak havoc on your sex life. Postpartum recovery, body image concerns, hormones, and exhaustion can significantly impact your desire to have sex. You may feel guilt or pressure, worried that your partner will feel rejected, or that the lack of physical intimacy might push you further apart.
Intimacy is a journey that often requires compassion and understanding, especially during challenging periods. Keep in mind that intimacy isn’t just about sex—it’s also about physical closeness, affection, and small gestures of care that can keep your bond strong.
What You Can Do:
- Be Honest: Share how you’re feeling with your partner. Let them know it’s not about them but about what you’re experiencing. Communicate if you’re feeling physical discomfort, emotional exhaustion, or just not feeling sexy anymore. If your partner is understanding, it can relieve some of the tension surrounding this topic.
- Focus on Non-Sexual Intimacy: Hold hands, cuddle, or simply spend time together without the pressure of sex. Rebuilding closeness in other ways can often reignite desire over time.
- Seek Professional Help: If physical or emotional barriers to sex persist, therapy can help you address the root causes.
Infidelity: What If There Was Cheating?
Infidelity is one of the deepest breaches of trust, and it leaves lasting wounds. Emotional or physical affairs can bring up a whole range of emotions: hurt, betrayal, anger, fear, and deep sadness. Whether you were the one who was hurt or the one who strayed, the road to healing is long and difficult—but it’s not impossible. It’s completely valid to take all the time you need to process what happened. For many couples, working through infidelity is a long journey that requires transparency, accountability, and often, the guidance of a couples therapist.
What You Can Do:
- Decide on Next Steps: Take time to decide whether you want to work on the relationship or move on. Either choice is valid.
- Seek Therapy: Individual therapy can help you process your emotions, while couples therapy can provide a space to rebuild trust and address underlying issues.
- Be Honest: Rebuilding after infidelity requires radical honesty and transparency. Both partners need to commit to addressing what went wrong.
What If My Husband Isn’t Understanding?
It’s incredibly frustrating and lonely when you feel like your partner doesn’t “get it.” Whether you’re overwhelmed with mom responsibilities or navigating your own mental health challenges, the lack of understanding from your spouse can add to your stress.
Maybe you’ve tried sharing how you’re feeling, only to be met with dismissiveness, frustration, or a lack of meaningful response. You might even feel guilty for needing support or wonder if you’re asking for too much. It’s important to know that your feelings are valid, and seeking understanding from your partner is not a flaw—it’s necessary for a healthy relationship.
What You Can Do:
- Break It Down Clearly: Sometimes, partners struggle to understand the emotions you’re sharing. Be as specific as possible about what you’re feeling and what you need. For example, instead of saying, “I’m overwhelmed,” try, “I feel like I’m doing everything at home, and I need your help with dinner and bedtime routines.”
- Ask for Feedback: Encourage your partner to share their thoughts and feelings too. It can help them feel involved in the conversation and make the dialogue more productive.
- Use “I” Statements: Avoid blaming language that can make your partner defensive. Focus on expressing your own experience, like, “I feel really alone when you don’t check in with me after work.”
- Seek a Neutral Space: If emotions run high, consider couples therapy as a neutral space to help your partner better understand your experiences. A therapist can also equip both of you with tools for healthier communication.
Even if your partner struggles to understand right now, small steps can lead to better awareness and compassion over time. Don’t underestimate the power of patience and consistency, even in difficult moments.
Should We Divorce?
Realizing that your marriage might be heading toward divorce is one of the most heart-wrenching experiences a person can face. The weight of this decision can feel paralyzing—especially when you’re already stressed and overwhelmed.
It’s okay to feel conflicted. Divorce isn’t an easy choice, and it’s often loaded with grief, fear, and uncertainty. But it can also bring clarity, healing, and the possibility of a healthier life for you and your family.
Steps to Consider if You’re Thinking About Divorce:
- Reflect Honestly on Your Feelings: Take time to explore your emotions. Are you reacting to temporary stress, or is this a deeper, ongoing issue? Journaling, meditation, or therapy can help you gain clarity.
- Focus on What’s Best for You and Your Family: While it’s natural to think about how divorce might affect others—your children, extended family, or even your spouse—remember to prioritize your mental health and well-being. A healthier you creates a healthier environment for your kids.
- Seek Pre-Divorce Counseling: Individual therapy can help you process your emotions and understand what’s driving your desire for separation. A therapist can also help you decide whether reconciliation or divorce is the right path.
- Communicate with Empathy: If you’ve decided to discuss divorce with your partner, approach the conversation with honesty and care. Acknowledge their emotions while remaining firm in expressing your needs and decisions.
- Plan for the Transition: If separation or divorce is inevitable, take proactive steps to prepare. Research custody arrangements, financial planning, and emotional support systems to make the process as smooth as possible for you and your family.
Remember:
Divorce isn’t a failure. Sometimes, it’s the healthiest choice for everyone involved. If you’re in North Carolina or South Carolina, online therapy can help you navigate the complexities of divorce, offering you the support and guidance you need during this life-altering decision.
How Therapy Can Help Stressed Moms: Brainspotting, Individual Therapy, & Couples Therapy
If you’re struggling with anxiety, past trauma, or painful memories that are impacting your relationship, individual therapy and brainspotting may offer valuable support.
Brainspotting Therapy Helps Access Deep Emotions
Brainspotting is a therapeutic technique that allows you to process difficult emotions and past experiences that may be “stuck” in your brain, preventing you from fully moving forward. It’s especially effective for trauma and helps you access deep emotions that you may not have been able to talk about or even understand fully.
For mothers who feel overwhelmed by anxiety, fear, or unresolved past experiences, brainspotting can be a gentle way to release emotional pain, create mental clarity, and build a renewed sense of self. With less emotional weight pulling you down, it becomes easier to approach your relationship from a place of calm and openness, rather than reactivity or avoidance.
The Role of Couples Therapy in Rebuilding Trust and Connection
If you’re feeling stuck, couples therapy can provide a safe and structured space to communicate openly and work on healing your relationship. A therapist acts as a guide, helping you both communicate more effectively, understand each other’s perspectives, and work through unresolved hurts. Couples therapy can be especially beneficial if you and your partner are struggling to:
- Communicate without arguing or shutting down
- Rebuild trust after infidelity or broken promises
- Rediscover physical intimacy
- Support each other’s mental health needs, such as postpartum depression or anxiety
Moving Forward with Hope
Reconnecting with your partner when you’re an overwhelmed and stressed mom can feel daunting, but with intentional effort, empathy, and the right support, it’s possible. Taking the time to work on yourself through individual therapy, addressing trauma through techniques like brainspotting, and seeking couples therapy when necessary can lead to significant positive changes, both within yourself and in your relationship.
Remember, you’re not alone in these struggles, and healing is a journey worth taking—for you, your partner, and your family. Start with small steps, be open to support, and above all, give yourself grace. Rebuilding connection is possible, and taking those steps today can open doors to a more loving, balanced, and fulfilling relationship.
Eleena Hardzinski is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Brainspotting Therapist practicing online in North Carolina, South Carolina, and Wisconsin.
Eleena supports women struggling with motherhood, relationships, past traumas, and anxiety. She helps moms find balance, overcome guilt, establish healthy boundaries, heal from past traumas, improve family communication, and regain confidence and joy in their lives.
